I think this just might be one of the most embarrassing experiences to date. One of those "oh help oh mercy oh no what do I say what do I do how can I make this better oh no there isn't any way to make this better so what's the quickest escape route" moments.
Today was my final "teaching" class for my non-English majors. The numbers in these classes have dwindled over the past couple of weeks, due to students focusing on preparing for their final exams in their major classes and leaving mine. I combined all my classes together for a final double session this morning, to be followed by their final exam tomorrow afternoon. Much more convenient all around.
So, let me tell you about one of my best students. Lesley.
Right away, the name should have tipped me off. This is clearly a male student -- baggy clothes, short boy haircut, black tennis shoes, sideburns -- but the name is not the most macho ever. He has a bit of a baby face and a slightly higher voice than most of the boys in my classes, and he's a little chubby, so you'd think he'd want to beef up his name. Still, this is China. I have boy students named anything from "Killer" and 'Oh Yeah" to "Summer" and "Rain," so I took it in stride. Boy named Lesley. Not common in America, but not unusual either. Plus, the kid's a really great student. The only one out of all my non-major classes to get an A on his speech, consistently the highest grades on quizzes, always does his homework. He's the kid that I look to when I'm teaching to check if he understands. If he gets it, I move on or have him explain in Chinese. If not, I try different phrasing. I have a couple of these students in each class who act as my gauge on understanding.
Anyway. I digress.
Because Lesley is such a good student, I'm not surprised to see him in class today (on a Saturday). Pretty much only my good students show up -- Lesley, Carmen, Sky, Dennis, Job, Endy -- and some others who really do seem to care about class but don't have a prayer of passing because they just don't do the work. Today's topic was all about the body -- feeling sick, injuries, body parts, body movements. This is one of my stellar lessons that the kids really get into. I mean, what students with the maturity level of 13-year-olds don't love to talk about puke, learn words like "rear end" and watch their teacher demonstrate body movements like crawling and jumping? Exactly. Plus, I had cookies left over from our Christmas party last night, so correct answers earned you a cookie. Tried to make class on a Saturday morning as appealing as possible.
Okay, so one other thing that I do with this lesson, regarding injuries, is talk about self-defense. They LOVE this. I took a self-defense class in college and really enjoyed it, and it's fun to pass along the info. Plus, there's the Miss Congeniality wisdom: Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin. SING. I pick on a few different boys to demonstrate (I don't really hit them, never fear) and the class always goes nuts for it. Today I picked on Carmen (he's a weird kid, turns out he knows kung fu, I probably shouldn't have asked him to "attack" me, he almost won) and Lesley. Everything went super well...
...until the break.
At which point, Sky (who is a Brother now! Praises!) comes up to my desk and asks me, "That student (points to Lesley), do you think it is a boy or girl?"
I. Have. No. Words.
I think maybe this is some kind of trick, so he has a baby face and a girlish name, doesn't mean anything -- I have to say something, they're both looking at me --
"A boy," I say, and look down at my papers, pretending to be busy.
"No. It's a girl," says Sky.
I. Want. To. Die.
And, of course, Lesley comes up to the desk, looking all wounded and embarrassed.
I say the only thing that pops into my head. "Oh. Well, Lesley is an English boy's name, so I just thought..."
Okay, it's more commonly a girl's name, but I've already given this kid an identity complex for life now. I'm not about to say "You just look like such a boy!"
Aiya.
Lesley says that he (I just can't think "she!") looked up the name on the internet and it's a girl's name, and I mumble something about it being a boy's name too. I stare at the paper and try to pretend like I'm not contemplating how long it would take me to fashion my shoelaces into a noose.
I sneak looks at Lesley through the next class period, and I still don't see it! I mean, that is a boy! Walks like a boy, dresses like a boy, hair like a boy, talks like a boy, BOY! I can't meet his eyes, and I feel terrible for hauling a girl up to the front of the room to pretend to attack me so that I can demonstrate self-defense. Oh help. And then, while I'm feeling just awful, I still wish I had my camera with me so I could snap Lesley's picture and show you all and say "See! That has to be a boy!" which makes me a really horrible person on top of a really big idiot. And how would I ask for a picture? "Excuse me, I just want to show my friends how mannish you are for a girl." Ugh.
You know, I've always been afraid that, teaching in China, I would confuse one student with another. Truth be told, I can't tell most of my students apart when they're out of the classroom or buy a new shirt. Seriously.
But I really never thought I'd get the gender wrong.
Still, Lesley has a great future. Think how great he/she would be as an undercover agent.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Upside
It's officially cold. Really cold. Bitterly cold, getting close to obscenely cold. It's miserable to go outside, it's horrendous to walk further than next door, and it's torture to go across the river and do any serious shopping.
So, in the spirit of the season, I decided to be optimistic. There HAS to be an upside to this weather. Here's my list:
1. Problem -- you have to bundle up to go outside, even if it's only for a few seconds.
Good thing -- you can wear anything you want under your coat. Seriously. I got home from class yesterday and changed clothes to cook dinner. Then I discovered that we were out of eggs and I had to go back out to get some from the veggie shop. Grr. I actually went into our bedroom to grab a different shirt to put on because my shirt had a bleach spot on it -- and then I realized. NO ONE CAN SEE IT. All that's visible are shoes, jeans, coat, scarf, mittens, hat, face. That's it. Woot! I could wear a pajama shirt, or a ratty old sweatshirt, or the sweater with soy sauce dripped on it and no one will know! This excites me beyond measure. In fact, if I wear earrings and don't tie the ear flaps on my hat down, people will think I'm really dressy under all the layers. Ha! I'm currently concocting the most ridiculous outfit I can think of, just to wear under the coat. It's great fun.
2. Problem -- the wind bites. Bites. Really viciously bites.
Good thing -- you don't need makeup. Seriously. Why would you need blush when your cheeks get all red and rosy from the wind? And your eyes water, too, which makes them all teary-bright and luminescent, so why bother with mascara? Instant beauty. I choose to believe this. Plus, the wind blows the coal dust away, so the air is cleaner. Wind is good for your health and beauty. Truth.
3. Problem -- the ice. You fall. A lot.
Good thing -- you get a daily opportunity to improve your balance. Every time you step outside, you either become more graceful or fall flat on your rear. You also develop this great shuffle-slide-step that I think would be killer in line-dancing. So there's a future opportunity for fame as a dance-creator person. Oh, the joys of winter.
4. Problem -- tracking snow into your house. Every time anyone enters, they have to change their shoes for house shoes, or you have wet footprints all over the floor.
Good thing -- Chinese are usually pretty good about this. But when they do forget, or the pile of snow melting off the shoes by the front door (inevitable, even when you place mats and towels up there, it's never enough) gets tracked in anyway, you have incentive to mop. Perpetually clean floors mean that when the students spontaneously show up, you don't have to rush around cleaning stuff before letting them in. It's all clean. You are always boy-scout-prepared.
Okay, that's my list. I tried to think of a fifth one, just to feel well-rounded, but -- oh, wait! Got it.
5. Problem -- you are always cold. Always, always cold.
Good thing -- you get to drink lots of yummy hot drinks without feeling overheated. Hot tea, hot cider, hot chocolate, coffee, spice tea...ahhh. This makes you feel very Chinese not to be drinking cold things and bridges the culture gap. I think. Sort of. Anyway, it tastes good.
Okay, so now that's my list. I'm throwing in a couple of pictures at the bottom, for grandparents and other interested parties.
Oh, and remember how last year in our old apartment we had ice growing on the inside of our windows, a few inches thick? We thought this apartment would have better heat, but no. We have ice in our bedroom. And, as an added bonus, around our front door. We have to chip it off on a regular basis, or we can't open the door. Here's a picture.
It's worse than that now. Down at the bottom, Justin chipped of at least an inch and a half this morning.
We decorated for Christmas. Connor is very excited about the Christmas tree. We also put Christmas decals on the windows and took some glue and glitter to glass jelly jars and decorated them to put candles in. He loved the glitter too.
Those last three shots -- we cooked up a Chinese-style meal of chicken, pumpkin, and peanuts and got out our chopsticks. Connor stole them. And apparently he's been paying attention, because he knew the general mechanics of using them.
So, in the spirit of the season, I decided to be optimistic. There HAS to be an upside to this weather. Here's my list:
1. Problem -- you have to bundle up to go outside, even if it's only for a few seconds.
Good thing -- you can wear anything you want under your coat. Seriously. I got home from class yesterday and changed clothes to cook dinner. Then I discovered that we were out of eggs and I had to go back out to get some from the veggie shop. Grr. I actually went into our bedroom to grab a different shirt to put on because my shirt had a bleach spot on it -- and then I realized. NO ONE CAN SEE IT. All that's visible are shoes, jeans, coat, scarf, mittens, hat, face. That's it. Woot! I could wear a pajama shirt, or a ratty old sweatshirt, or the sweater with soy sauce dripped on it and no one will know! This excites me beyond measure. In fact, if I wear earrings and don't tie the ear flaps on my hat down, people will think I'm really dressy under all the layers. Ha! I'm currently concocting the most ridiculous outfit I can think of, just to wear under the coat. It's great fun.
2. Problem -- the wind bites. Bites. Really viciously bites.
Good thing -- you don't need makeup. Seriously. Why would you need blush when your cheeks get all red and rosy from the wind? And your eyes water, too, which makes them all teary-bright and luminescent, so why bother with mascara? Instant beauty. I choose to believe this. Plus, the wind blows the coal dust away, so the air is cleaner. Wind is good for your health and beauty. Truth.
3. Problem -- the ice. You fall. A lot.
Good thing -- you get a daily opportunity to improve your balance. Every time you step outside, you either become more graceful or fall flat on your rear. You also develop this great shuffle-slide-step that I think would be killer in line-dancing. So there's a future opportunity for fame as a dance-creator person. Oh, the joys of winter.
4. Problem -- tracking snow into your house. Every time anyone enters, they have to change their shoes for house shoes, or you have wet footprints all over the floor.
Good thing -- Chinese are usually pretty good about this. But when they do forget, or the pile of snow melting off the shoes by the front door (inevitable, even when you place mats and towels up there, it's never enough) gets tracked in anyway, you have incentive to mop. Perpetually clean floors mean that when the students spontaneously show up, you don't have to rush around cleaning stuff before letting them in. It's all clean. You are always boy-scout-prepared.
Okay, that's my list. I tried to think of a fifth one, just to feel well-rounded, but -- oh, wait! Got it.
5. Problem -- you are always cold. Always, always cold.
Good thing -- you get to drink lots of yummy hot drinks without feeling overheated. Hot tea, hot cider, hot chocolate, coffee, spice tea...ahhh. This makes you feel very Chinese not to be drinking cold things and bridges the culture gap. I think. Sort of. Anyway, it tastes good.
Okay, so now that's my list. I'm throwing in a couple of pictures at the bottom, for grandparents and other interested parties.
Oh, and remember how last year in our old apartment we had ice growing on the inside of our windows, a few inches thick? We thought this apartment would have better heat, but no. We have ice in our bedroom. And, as an added bonus, around our front door. We have to chip it off on a regular basis, or we can't open the door. Here's a picture.
We decorated for Christmas. Connor is very excited about the Christmas tree. We also put Christmas decals on the windows and took some glue and glitter to glass jelly jars and decorated them to put candles in. He loved the glitter too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)