We have now been back in China for six days and have done, at last count, absolutely nothing. There are reasons for this, the first being jet-lag, the second being a rather nasty stomach bug that consumed all our vital organs and left us wrung out, sweat-drenched, and praying for death. Almost literally.
But, to be honest, I'm not feeling motivated, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because our thoughts are still in America, with the people we love so dearly and miss more than ever. We had a wonderful time visiting with family and friends, and for the first time, we're discussing the possibility of life when we return to America, several years down the road. Has that (along with the aforementioned circumstances) taken the wind out of our sails? Is it the prospect of another semester like the last, the kind that had us running off our feet every day from dawn until an hour too unseemly to mention? Is it the disappointments, like some difficult relationships we've encountered or the Seekers who have come so close only to choose against the Truth? Or is it the constant battle for balance, for creating a home in an un-home-ly place, for raising a child and educating him, for doing the best job teaching English as we possibly can, for learning one of the most difficult languages on earth, for trying to put each God-given talent in the most useful place? Or is it simply the Dreaded Culture Shock, catching up with us at last?
Most likely, it is all of these things, culminating in a big ole mental block. The kind that's more of an insurmountable mountain ringed with barbed wire than a simple little red-brick structure. Perhaps if we were feeling all the way better, or perhaps if we'd had a few more days before being thrown into the teaching ring again, or perhaps if the Seeker we were so hopeful for had found support in her family....
People who do the Work we do are often held up on pedestals, expected to overcome all obstacles known to man with a toothy smile firmly in place. I am taking a chance here by admitting less than perfection. We usually begin each semester with boundless enthusiasm, and instead, here we are, slogging through hip-deep mud.
So. We covet your prayers. We ask that you remember us and ask God to wash away the muck we're entrenched with so that we can clearly see His plan for us this semester.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Are You Happy Now, Mama?
In the considerable stress of packing and preparing for return to China, I was busy the other day. Too busy for Connor. He trailed me around the house, asking questions about broken light bulbs and, when I failed to answer quickly enough, prompting me with, "Is it, Mama? Is it? Is it?"
I was frazzled. I was stressed. I was hauling 50-lb trunks from one end of the house to the other, doing laundry, deciding what should stay and what should go, and tripping over my parents' dog. I was in a generally grouchy mood. Finally, after several short answers with increasing irritation, I turned to Connor and said, "Honey. I am busy. I cannot talk to you right now. I have to get these things done. I have too much to do."
Connor thought about that for a second, his big brown eyes sober. He pursed his lips. "Are you unhappy, Mama?"
"Yes. I am a little unhappy right now. I'm busy."
"Oh."
I turned back to packing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Connor plop down by the bed, grab the corner of the quilt, and pull it over his face.
"Where's Connor?" he sang out. He popped out from under the blanket. "Here I am!" he said, beaming. "Are you happy now, Mama?"
Yes. I was.
I was frazzled. I was stressed. I was hauling 50-lb trunks from one end of the house to the other, doing laundry, deciding what should stay and what should go, and tripping over my parents' dog. I was in a generally grouchy mood. Finally, after several short answers with increasing irritation, I turned to Connor and said, "Honey. I am busy. I cannot talk to you right now. I have to get these things done. I have too much to do."
Connor thought about that for a second, his big brown eyes sober. He pursed his lips. "Are you unhappy, Mama?"
"Yes. I am a little unhappy right now. I'm busy."
"Oh."
I turned back to packing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Connor plop down by the bed, grab the corner of the quilt, and pull it over his face.
"Where's Connor?" he sang out. He popped out from under the blanket. "Here I am!" he said, beaming. "Are you happy now, Mama?"
Yes. I was.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Being Salty
I've been mulling over a thought for the past few weeks since we've been stateside. I'm not sure if it's quite gelled yet, but I'm growing dizzy from the circles it's spinning, so I'm going to try to get it down.
Life in China is easier than life in the States. In some respects.
Yes, we sacrifice quite a bit in order to do the Work. We sacrifice time with family, we sacrifice favorite foods, activities, and hobbies; we sacrifice money and security, we sacrifice convenience and often safety (watch some videos of traffic in China if you don't believe me). We do sacrifice.
But.
We seem to struggle spiritually more in America than China. I'm not sure how to explain this, except to say that we went to China with a purpose. That purpose was to spread the Good News, to shine and be as salty as possible, to allow God to work through us, to be what He says we should be. It is not easy, but it is easier to do that when you go somewhere with a purpose. When you change your life drastically, when you start fresh in a place where no one knows you, when your every day and every moment is dedicated to that.
In America, our lives are "normal". Normal pew-sitters, letting someone else do the work. Participants, but not leaders. No outreach, other than as much service as possible to the family kind enough to put us up in their homes. Maybe some encouragement to people who are interested in China. But we aren't Working. I strongly dislike this.
And maybe it's because we bounce around so much when we're visiting. Maybe it's because we're spending time with friends of friends, not our own forged friendships. Maybe it's because we're only temporarily here. But I don't think that's all of it. I clearly remember my relationship with God pre-China, and it's nothing like it is now, praise the Lord! He's working in me, and I'm so thankful. It took a move around the globe to get my butt off of a pew and into His service.
Here's what I think. I think that we should all be living with the sole focus of "shining." We should treat every day, whether it's in the same house you've been living in for ten years or the mold-covered apartment in China you've been in for ten minutes (and want to run screaming out of) as if our only job is to give Him glory. Tell others how amazing He is, how real and close and present He is. We should focus on His purpose. It's too easy to get caught up in our "normal lives" of kids and laundry and errands.
I know this is something you know. I know I'm not telling you anything new. But I'm struck, every time we come back here for a visit, by the fact that doing His Work is easier when I make that my specific purpose. I'm an English teacher, but really, I have a higher calling. We all do, all of us who bear His name and His blood, and if we don't live up to it... well. We put Him to shame, don't we.
So, as this has turned into a little sermonette (sorry), here's your challenge: Don't think of yourself as a manager/teacher/secretary/doctor/lawyer/Indian chief. Think of yourself as a missionary first. And then do that job. You'll be amazed at what God will do with you.
Life in China is easier than life in the States. In some respects.
Yes, we sacrifice quite a bit in order to do the Work. We sacrifice time with family, we sacrifice favorite foods, activities, and hobbies; we sacrifice money and security, we sacrifice convenience and often safety (watch some videos of traffic in China if you don't believe me). We do sacrifice.
But.
We seem to struggle spiritually more in America than China. I'm not sure how to explain this, except to say that we went to China with a purpose. That purpose was to spread the Good News, to shine and be as salty as possible, to allow God to work through us, to be what He says we should be. It is not easy, but it is easier to do that when you go somewhere with a purpose. When you change your life drastically, when you start fresh in a place where no one knows you, when your every day and every moment is dedicated to that.
In America, our lives are "normal". Normal pew-sitters, letting someone else do the work. Participants, but not leaders. No outreach, other than as much service as possible to the family kind enough to put us up in their homes. Maybe some encouragement to people who are interested in China. But we aren't Working. I strongly dislike this.
And maybe it's because we bounce around so much when we're visiting. Maybe it's because we're spending time with friends of friends, not our own forged friendships. Maybe it's because we're only temporarily here. But I don't think that's all of it. I clearly remember my relationship with God pre-China, and it's nothing like it is now, praise the Lord! He's working in me, and I'm so thankful. It took a move around the globe to get my butt off of a pew and into His service.
Here's what I think. I think that we should all be living with the sole focus of "shining." We should treat every day, whether it's in the same house you've been living in for ten years or the mold-covered apartment in China you've been in for ten minutes (and want to run screaming out of) as if our only job is to give Him glory. Tell others how amazing He is, how real and close and present He is. We should focus on His purpose. It's too easy to get caught up in our "normal lives" of kids and laundry and errands.
I know this is something you know. I know I'm not telling you anything new. But I'm struck, every time we come back here for a visit, by the fact that doing His Work is easier when I make that my specific purpose. I'm an English teacher, but really, I have a higher calling. We all do, all of us who bear His name and His blood, and if we don't live up to it... well. We put Him to shame, don't we.
So, as this has turned into a little sermonette (sorry), here's your challenge: Don't think of yourself as a manager/teacher/secretary/doctor/lawyer/Indian chief. Think of yourself as a missionary first. And then do that job. You'll be amazed at what God will do with you.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Late Night Ramblings
For some reason, I tend to wax philosophical at night. This drives my husband crazy, as it means that my let's-talk-about-this-in-depth moods come on at his it's-dark-outside-and-the-bed-is-so-comfy times. So, in an effort to preserve marital bliss, I'm blogging about my current obsession instead.
I do not use the term "obsession" lightly. I have a tendency, which has been known to be carried to a fault, to grasp hold of an idea and gnaw at it until I have resolved it in some fashion. This can be anything from what to make for dinner to whether or not we should move to China (you know how that one turned out).
Something I have been thinking about here lately is independence. And indulgence. For example, when we were called to China, we considered two things first.
1. Is this where God wants us.
2. Is this best for our family (meaning me, Justin, and Connor).
You note that this list is very short. There were people who were not happy about us moving around the world. People like family who, although they understand the Work we do, miss us. Obviously, we miss them too, but we basically had to say that's too bad. We had to satisfy the top two priorities first. For the first, we put out fleece and got an obvious YES. I'll have to tell you that story another time. For the second, it was an obvious yes also -- Justin's job at the time was very time-intensive and stressful, and we have a stronger family bond now because we are spending more time together.
Now, here's where it gets tricky. What should come after question number two? Should it go:
3. What makes me happy
or
3. How other people perceive this decision
????
Because, for me, this gets into a complicated issue. Is it more important to play on others' wants/desires/perceptions or your own? Is it right to indulge yourself or not? Say, for example, you've always wanted to play the harmonica for a living. Other people would think it odd. Perhaps your family disapproves. Is it wrong to want to do a harmless thing because it makes you happy, even if others dislike your decision? Say all your family and friends love to eat beef and you become a vegetarian. This could be a hassle for them when you eat together. Say all your family lives in Maryland and you're just itching to move to Oregon. This might upset some of them. Is it wrong to indulge yourself? To, in situations that are purely based on personal preference and not Scripture, do what you want?
In our culture, we say that we applaud the person who walks to the beat of their own drum, who thinks outside the box, who dreams big. Speaking as someone who is a tad offbeat, I would have to disagree. We are not so different from the Chinese, who expect everyone in their society to conform. I have made some decisions in my life thus far that are different from most people I know. Not bad (honestly, I really do think they aren't bad) just different. And I think that the normal reaction to something different is suspicion. Why did this person do that? What were they thinking? I don't want that; why would they?
We were created as individuals. We all have different joys in life. Justin, for example, wants to go skydiving someday. I am doing my best to postpone that day (told him only if I go with him - ha!). He would also enjoy white-water rafting. I have vivid images of being trapped in a watery grave. He would love to fly planes. I would kill everyone on board before we got off the ground.
I don't judge him for his joys. I support them, as long as they don't end with me as a widow. Video games, for example. So why is it that I feel guilty for indulging in mine? If it makes me happy to stand on a street corner with a big floppy red hat on my head and belt out show tunes, so what? Should I be so concerned with other people's perceptions that I let it stop me from doing something that gives me joy? Our automatic answer is, of course, no. As long as it's not un-Christ-like, go for it.
But if you saw me in my big red hat on the corner of Main Street belting "Don't Cry for Me Argentina", wouldn't you judge me?
Sigh. This is the danger of late-night blogging. Now I'm too fuzzy to be sure if I got my point across or not. I think that many of you who read this, because you are my friends, would hop out of your car and sing the harmony. I hope so. And I hope I would do that for you, too.
I do not use the term "obsession" lightly. I have a tendency, which has been known to be carried to a fault, to grasp hold of an idea and gnaw at it until I have resolved it in some fashion. This can be anything from what to make for dinner to whether or not we should move to China (you know how that one turned out).
Something I have been thinking about here lately is independence. And indulgence. For example, when we were called to China, we considered two things first.
1. Is this where God wants us.
2. Is this best for our family (meaning me, Justin, and Connor).
You note that this list is very short. There were people who were not happy about us moving around the world. People like family who, although they understand the Work we do, miss us. Obviously, we miss them too, but we basically had to say that's too bad. We had to satisfy the top two priorities first. For the first, we put out fleece and got an obvious YES. I'll have to tell you that story another time. For the second, it was an obvious yes also -- Justin's job at the time was very time-intensive and stressful, and we have a stronger family bond now because we are spending more time together.
Now, here's where it gets tricky. What should come after question number two? Should it go:
3. What makes me happy
or
3. How other people perceive this decision
????
Because, for me, this gets into a complicated issue. Is it more important to play on others' wants/desires/perceptions or your own? Is it right to indulge yourself or not? Say, for example, you've always wanted to play the harmonica for a living. Other people would think it odd. Perhaps your family disapproves. Is it wrong to want to do a harmless thing because it makes you happy, even if others dislike your decision? Say all your family and friends love to eat beef and you become a vegetarian. This could be a hassle for them when you eat together. Say all your family lives in Maryland and you're just itching to move to Oregon. This might upset some of them. Is it wrong to indulge yourself? To, in situations that are purely based on personal preference and not Scripture, do what you want?
In our culture, we say that we applaud the person who walks to the beat of their own drum, who thinks outside the box, who dreams big. Speaking as someone who is a tad offbeat, I would have to disagree. We are not so different from the Chinese, who expect everyone in their society to conform. I have made some decisions in my life thus far that are different from most people I know. Not bad (honestly, I really do think they aren't bad) just different. And I think that the normal reaction to something different is suspicion. Why did this person do that? What were they thinking? I don't want that; why would they?
We were created as individuals. We all have different joys in life. Justin, for example, wants to go skydiving someday. I am doing my best to postpone that day (told him only if I go with him - ha!). He would also enjoy white-water rafting. I have vivid images of being trapped in a watery grave. He would love to fly planes. I would kill everyone on board before we got off the ground.
I don't judge him for his joys. I support them, as long as they don't end with me as a widow. Video games, for example. So why is it that I feel guilty for indulging in mine? If it makes me happy to stand on a street corner with a big floppy red hat on my head and belt out show tunes, so what? Should I be so concerned with other people's perceptions that I let it stop me from doing something that gives me joy? Our automatic answer is, of course, no. As long as it's not un-Christ-like, go for it.
But if you saw me in my big red hat on the corner of Main Street belting "Don't Cry for Me Argentina", wouldn't you judge me?
Sigh. This is the danger of late-night blogging. Now I'm too fuzzy to be sure if I got my point across or not. I think that many of you who read this, because you are my friends, would hop out of your car and sing the harmony. I hope so. And I hope I would do that for you, too.
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